Wednesday, September 19, 2012

My Hope

I am struggling
But by looking at me you would never know it
As the hours go by it just gets pushed deeper inside
And I have to hold back the tears and emotions

All the negativity running through me
Will just never let me be free
And live the life that I have dreamed of

But there is one thing each day
That is my saving grace
And I can get in only one way
By simply going outside and running

Running does something to me
That you wouldn't believe
Without seeing it for yourself in person

When I am running it's like new life is breathed in me
And I become a whole new person

The negativity gets pushed away
And this new confidence emerges
This confidence that normally doesn't exist
Gives me the feeling of pure bliss

I can't adequately describe
The way it changes my life
But by saying it gives me this belief in me
That doesn't exist while not running

There is also this inner peace it brings to me
That everyone can see

It is also what gives me hope for the future
That the feeling I get could possibly exist
Outside my world of running

But for now I will just have to hold on to the hope to get me through each day
Because right now every second I breathe without running is a struggle
That most humans can't understand
So that is why I share my struggle with no one.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Theta Phi-ve K, 2012

On Saturday (9/15/12) me and my mom decided to make the around 2 hour drive to the University of Dayton to run a 5k race.  The fact that I went is a big thing.  I have been struggling really bad with my depression and my thought were horrible Friday so I didn't know if I was going to even be able to get out of bed Saturday from the depression, not even thinking about a morning anxiety attack that could have happened.  But luckily Saturday when I woke up I was feeling a little better and really wanted to go race.  (Racing gives me this high.  When I run I have a confidence that I don't have in any other part of my life.  It is the only time I can find peace from my horrible thoughts, besides sleeping.)  So racing is something that I absolutely LOVE to do, so I was glad my depression did not stop me this time.

So of course like always the directions get us lost at the finish.  We stopped to ask about it and the gas station on campus didn't know how to get there.  This one lady did but wouldn't help us.  So we were back to driving around lost we asked a guy on campus and that didn't help either.  By luck we found it, but were late.  I always have to get to a race an hour before hand and it was 9:15 and the race was suppose to start at 10.  But I was able to keep calm and not let it get to me and just tell myself "that you have 15 minutes before you start your warm up so you are ok."  (This is something I am working on with myself, trying to calm myself down so I don't go into full panic or get majorly upset that something goes wrong.)

So I was able to stay on schedule after being late and went out to get my 10 minute warm up at 9:30.  I got back and got everything together and ready for the race.  Did my pickups in the park lot (so no one could see, like always)  We went over to where the race was to start with less then 10 minutes for the race to start.  When the guy that was helping with the race called us to the starting line at 10 am, mom left so she could get some pictures.  However, there was still a huge line at the registration table, (remember it was on a college campus).  The race didn't get started until almost 10-15 minutes late.  So the whole time we were by the starting line, I was sizing people up (like always).  I had spotted a few that I thought might give me a good run.  I saw that there were a few guys that definitely had the potential to beat me so I knew I didn't have to worry about leading the race.  However, since I was one of the only girls to line up near the front there were 2 guys in the air force or army that were eyeing me and you could tell were not going to let me beat them at all.

So the race gets started late and as we take off it's me and about 5 guys up front and then the 2 army guys push there way up front too.  So there is about 8 of us up front running.  When the course turns right into the campus... like up on the sidewalk.  So as we are running about it was about 2:11 into the race when I passed one of the army guys and as soon as I passed him, he yelled up to his friend, "You go on I have a cramp."  (Perfect timing)  Then I went passed the other guy too. (Story of them not over yet).  Before I picked the race Dad had told me Dayton doesn't have a hill there.  Well Dad you LIED, like you did in high school for my first meet.  LOL... This was a pretty hilly course.  But more then the hills were the turns about 60 at least and some turn arounds.  As we are going we are approaching were the mile mark was placed on the map. (It was at a turn around in the parking lot so it was easy to remember)  Well the sorority girls were yelling all excited 1st mile in 5:05 and they were going nuts about it.  I knew they were way off and I kinda wanted to say does it look like I am running a 15 min 5k and does it look like those guys ahead of me are running a 13 min 5k, but I held my tongue. Oh and something that I always do I didn't do because of what I was thinking.  At the turnaround I always gauge where my competition is and I forgot to look and I realized it but didn't want to look backwards so just had to keep going not knowing where 2nd place female was. And at one point I just happened to look at the ground right where there was a 1 in chalk and looked at my watch and it was 6:05, (which is a season best since I have been afraid to time a mile).  As the race went on I found myself in a gap not to the surprise of anyone.  So the whole course ends up being on the sidewalk all around the campus.  Mom got to see me once in the middle of the race so that was cool to get to see my mom in the middle and not just the start and finish.  I wasn't able to see anymore mile marks on the course because I was forced to continuously look up to see where the course was going.  (Which was hard to do and I kept losing people around corners because I always stare at the ground ahead of me while running)  The next thing I remember was looking up and seeing a guy in a yellow shirt coming back to me.  I was kinda shocked at this.  We got together and ran for awhile and at one point neither of us were sure which way the course went.  He started pointing and I was like "I am not sure" and he said "I think it's this way.  (He was right).  So we ran together until near the very end.  When we turned into the parking lot I looked ahead and saw where the end of the parking lot was and I looked down at my watch, it said 19:12 and I was like, "I got this."  Then I caught up to the guy in yellow and looked at my watch and said, "19:30, Let's go, we got this".  This was perhaps one of the only time in my life that I have been too positive, because the course continued off the parking lot and onto the wood chip path.  Talk about heartbreak when I got to the end of the parking lot and saw it went off.  I definitely lost some time from the let down. 

OH WAIT I almost forgot about the army guy.  As me and the guy were coming up the parking lot, out of nowhere sprinting as hard as he could comes one of the army guys.  He gets passed me then stops and goes backwards.  Which makes no sense had he finished he would have been 4th and got an award..... I don't get what the whole point of showing me he can beat me in a sprint was??

BUT DO NOT GET ME WRONG.  I am thrilled with my race.  I ran my season best, 20:07.82, so by 11 seconds.  So I am very happy with my race.  Now I am only 1:48 off my personal best.

I won the female race by about 1:30.  The male winner ran a 18:43, which shocked me because I didn't realize he was that close because all the turns and only 4 guys beat me.  The awards went to the top 5 overall.  The awards were crappy. BOO.  I love getting something as simple as a ribbon, since I didn't get a shirt.  And the awards weren't really fair either.  The male winner got $15 to a pizza place and I got the same choice as everyone else:  a free sub at a place I have never heard of, a $5 card for a sushi place which I have never heard of and wouldn't eat anyways, or a $5 card to a movie place down there.  (Remember it took us over 2 hours to get there.)  So I ended up taking the free sub because they said it was some sort of chain... Jimmy John's????  but then as we were leaving mom was like why don't we give it to someone because it will just go to waste at home.  So I decided to give it to the guy that finished with me because he was nice.  I have ran into quite a few people that get mad that I can run with them and are mean and rude and this guys was nice about it.  (sure inside I bet he definitely wanted to beat me being a girl and all, but he didn't take that feeling out on me in his attitude or behavior)  So I felt that he deserved it for being a nice guy.  (He was fourth overall too)

So out of the race I would say it went pretty well.  I got a season best in the mile and in the 5k.  I ended up the winning female and only 4 guys beat me.  I ran 20:07 which is about 6:29 per mile.  This was 11 seconds better then the fastest I have ran this season and I don't know if there is a course in the world flatter then that one.  This one was way harder so definitely a lot better effort.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Read for the Gold 5k and training

So a few weeks ago I decided I wanted to get back into a race.  It has been 2 months since my last race, I had when scheduled in between that time but I had an anxiety attack about it in the morning and chickened out of going.  So since my last race 2 months ago I have had some major struggles and training has not been going great.  I basically was doing no workout and just running whatever I could, when I could.  But since I decided I wanted to race I first made the goal that I had to run a timed mile first.  However I didn't feel ready for a full mile so I compromised last week and ran a half mile time.  I was hoping to break 3:30 possibly run 3:20 and instead I pulled out a 3:04.  This gave me the confidence to come out last week and do a full mile timed.  When I went out I really had no clue what I was capable of so I was hoping for a goal between 6:30-6:50 and shockingly went 6:14 (3:08, 3:06).  So with this run I decided this weekend I would enter a small race.

So for the race, I needed to find one that my mom could drive me to, so it needed to be kinda localish, but I am not ready for local races yet.  So I found one in a town, Waverly, just shy of an hour away from the house.  It also had a walk that my mom could have done if she wanted so I thought it was a good pick.  However, there was not much information on this race at all.  So I had no clue what the range and how many runners would be there.  The race was called Read for the Gold 5k. 

So as usual we get to the race an hour before the race starts.  Then about 10-15 minutes later more people start to arrive.  And of course I was people watching, looking for people that looked like they could run fast, or had the confidence that they thought they were going to win.  I found this one lady that was in her 40's that just looked like she was an unbelievable runner (she parked beside us).  Later she pulled out her iphone or whatever device to listen to music so I then wasn't sure since she had music, so now my thoughts were just so so on her.  There also were some high schoolers there, but none of them really looked like they were amazing runners and from the starting I found out it was one of the girls' first race ever.

SO on the starting line I started to kinda panic, because I realized that I forgot to give my mom my good luck hug, and she was nowhere to be found.  So I had to block out the thought of that but lucky they were blocked because of the high schoolers freaking out over the race.  When the race went off I had about 10 people in front of me around 400 meters into the race, but i knew not to panic because most of them were high schoolers so they were going to go out too hard.  Of those people there were only 2 girls ahead of me.  So by the time we got around the half mile I had passed everyone but one high school boy.  I could tell as we ran we were dropping the field behind us pretty fast  I hit the first mile around 6:20(the watch said 6:18 but I wasn't sure of the exact spot of the mile so I used the far end of the aid station)..... (3rd place in the race was 1:36 behind me.  So it was just me and this high schooler.  The course was a course where we had to run 2 laps of the same thing.  On the first lap I was around 20 seconds behind the guy and as it was going I didn't think I had a chance to beat him but i noticed that towards the end of that loop I had diminished his lead to only about 10 seconds.  So I then thought to myself, if I can get him before the 2 mile mark (about 3/4 a mile away), then I could possibly win the whole race.  But I knew if I didn't catch him before the 2 mile mark I really didn't have a chance with the kick that he had and with my no kicking ability.  A couple times in the second looped I pulled up to within 2-3 seconds of him, one of those times that I had got close to him just happened to be at the 2 mile mark and then possible 20 seconds later I realized I had not looked at my watch so I looked back to see how far away the table seemed to be and I guessed that it would have been close to 13:00.  I stayed focused on him though but I knew that if I couldn't get past him pretty fast I didn't stand a chance against a high school boy at the end of a race ( I've been out kicked by too many people to count in my life).  During this loop I was just paying too much attention to my watch I kept looking and trying to guess what my time would be because I was trying so hard to beat my time that I last raced at over 2 months ago (20:20)... I kinda gave up on chasing him in the last 800 meters and was more focused on beating the watch.  Then with about 400 meters to go his high school coach told him to kick in hard, at this point his lead was about 5 seconds.  Then all of a sudden he just disappeared, I couldn't see him at all.  So I thought for sure he had gotten under 20 mins.  And was shocked to find out he only beat me by 15 seconds in the end for his 20:03 to my 20:18.  My 20:18 was a female course record.  If you look at it the race kinda ended like an elite 1500 meter race.. just run and then sprint the last 400, however, he had about a 5 second head start and gaped it clear up to 15 by the end.

I was so overjoyed with this race.  Yes I know there are those people that will look at my time and say but you can run 2 minutes faster then that, why would you be happy.  Well only I know what I am going through and have to deal with every second of every day.  My life has been a real struggle for the last few years, each day is a struggle to get through and some I don't think I will get through and because they are so bad I am not even able to run on quite a few days.  Only I know what my training, or more like lack of training has been.  So to me this race was a success.  And to stop the rumors going around I NEVER said anything negative about my race.  Heck, I was so thrilled with it I slept the last few nights with the trophy.  It means more then anyone could understand right now.  For to be going what I am going through and to come out of the race being: 2nd Overall, 1st Female, and a course record in 20:18.  Is more then I could have imagined for.

PS Huge shout out to my mom for being there with me and being my biggest supporter... My mom rocks.

I found out after the race that I had ran a female course record.  Since there was not much information about the race I have no clue what the course record previously was.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Rockin' on the Run 5k plus some things

-Going to write a report on my race.  I know that fewer then 20 people will read it.  I realize I am not fast anymore so some people could care less about me and what is going on but I am going to put it down anyways so I can look back on it oneday.

-Another thing that was brought to my attention is that they are some people that are saying awful and horrible things about me to my facebook friends.  I don't know who it is, exactly, but I know the 6 people that competely hate me and I have not talked to them or about them in 3 years so why they are saying crap about me? I have no clue.  I cannot stop them from saying these awful things, I know people have defriended me about it without even asking me about things.  I do apologize that these people that are part of my past history are bringing you in on our problems, they are not your problems so they should be leaving you alone and talking to me about it instead of slandering me behind my back to others. 

Now for the race:

ahh screw it

Monday, April 23, 2012

Back to the races.

So I did it!  I got back on that line and started my first race in almost a year.  The race was in Athens, Ohio.  It was a small one put on by a bunch of college students at OU that have a running club.  The race was not until 1 PM so leaves a lot of time for the anxiety to run high and crazy.  But me and mom left the house around 10:30 AM.  We got there before noon and they were still trying to get setup.  There was this girl around 15 or so with her parents and you could tell that thought she was going to win easily.  Her parents were asking questions about the course and all the question you ask when you think you will win.  After I got registered I went back to the car and my mom asked about knowing the course and I told her that won't matter at this race because I knew there would be plenty of guys finishing ahead of me and possibly this young girl.

When I warmed up I went out on the course and right away  I was like OH no.  (I am a number person and love numbers and splits just anything to do dealing with numbers).  I can't stand to run on a treadmill because I stare and analyze the numbers the whole time.  So when I start I look and BAM I run into a little mark that says .25 miles, all I thought was this can't be good, then I went farther and .5 mile was marked. DOH!  So I had to tell myself "No you are not going to look at every quarter mile split."  That I knew would lead to over analyzing things and me not staying focused on the race.

Before the race my lack of confidence was coming out BIG time.  I was looking at all these runners and thinking they can break 24 mins too (since that is the goal I had set for myself).  I just kept thinking I am going to get smoked.  I looked over to my mom and said I hope this guys take the race out hard because I am not today.  Normally I lead races overall in the first 600 meters or so that is how I love to run my race but with the lack of confidence I had decided I was not going to go out hard. 

Right before the looked around and then realized oh man some of this is going to be on thick grass.  And sure enough we got the warning to watch our ankles that there were some holes in the grass.  ARGH!  So the race got started and a lot of people took off really really fast.  I was relieved they took off fast but worried because there were a lot of people out front.  And the young girl was way up in front of me.  As we got going I would say she at one point before the mile mark had a good 15-20 second lead on me.  But I could tell she was falling apart as we approached the mile mark.   As we got to the mile mark in 6:42, I pulled up beside her and just kept trying to run, well she took off with me.  Then she kept pushing me off the side of the bike path (it's a 2 line bike path).  So I was getting frustrated and would try to slow down some and then she did the same.  Whatever move I made she was making along with me didn't matter whether it was a surge or slowing down.  So at the turn around of the 5k (out and back course) I knew I need to get a jump so I could be on the inside of the turn around so right before it I surged to turn around the girl standing there.  And that little move was all it took.  I never saw her again.  And in  the final results I think she finished a good 1.5 minutes behind me so the race at the end looks nothing like what took place during the race.  But I kept going forward and at the 2 mile split I was told 14:18 and I knew something didn't seem right but I really couldn't figure out what was wrong at that time. (Later after the race I realized that they put the 2 mile mark where the mile mark was so it was actually the distance of 2.1 miles)  I kept pushing on and saw where we had a quarter mile left where we go up on the grass so I knew it was almost over.  I pushed on but got a little surprise for the last few feet.  A guy near the end yelled out my time so I stopped thinking that is where it finished but I was wrong I had to go another about 10 feet or so, so a little unexpected break.

I finished the 5k on my watch at 21:20, but at the awards they announced 21:12, which was not correct.  So I am going with the time my watch said and not what they gave me.  So my dad and me were both wrong about the time I could run.  I was hoping to break 24 minutes and the day before my dad was hoping for 22:30.  After I ran came the lungs burning for not having ran hard in almost a year, it was like that indoor track feeling.  But worse were the allergies or sinus pain I was having.  I couldn't stop sneezing and my nose was going crazy and I had this pain in my nose it was on overdrive. 

We got the awards none of which I can use because they are all for places in Athens and it's not worth the over hour drive to there.  But oh well, the real goal was getting my first race done.  I am really happy and pleased with my race and being the first female but if I have to be critical about a part I had too many guys beat me.  However, these guys are all in a running group together in Athens, so it's not like they were just regular Johnny come lately runners.  But still I didn't like having that many guys ahead of me.  Thanks

Friday, April 20, 2012

Starting Anew with a Time Trial

So I guess yesterday was the day I that would help decide if I was going to race it or not.  I knew is was coming but I was dreading the day- "The mile time trial."  Back in March when I was first going to try to race again I ran the course in 6:38 and my splits were 3:21 and 3:17.  However, since then I have done 2 fartlek workouts of 30 seconds and a minute in length.  So really not much and I have taken quite a few days off in the between time.  So I set my goal to run around 7:15 and since the mile I do is almost always into the wind we said 7:30 if it was strong.

So I push off this workout until as late as possible.  Finally I get out and warmup the 3 miles to the mile time trial spot.  (It's a straight mile down one country road)  So I start to pick up pace as I am getting to the mile marker.  (I am extremely nervous because I knew what was lying on this time trial.)  So I take off as fast as I can, which isn't too fast, lol.  The check my watch to my normal marks, which none have any significance of importance and can all be determined from any different angle at any spot, but I still check, nonetheless.  When I got to one spot that I know I can run at 1:45ish and I was around 2 flat I was rather anxious.  But I pushed on to the half mile mark.  When I hit it the time read 3:15 I was like ok, now restart like you are restarting the time trial over again for the last half mile.  When I got to the mile mark I hit my watch and read 6:31, so that meant I finshed in 3:16 for the last half.  I was pretty pleased with this run but some of the enjoyment came froming thinking I had only ran a 6:48 last time.  So I thought I had improved a great deal but then got home and found in actualality I had only improved 7 seconds in a months time.

So if I choose to look at it like whoa you only improved by 7 seconds in a month that is not good at all.  But I know what I have been through and the struggles with my depression and the lows I have had recently and how many days this has caused me to miss and then fact that I had only done 2 workouts, one being 5 x 1 min and 6 x 30 sec, full recovery.  I really have to look at it and think it was a win.  Yes maybe the improvement wasn't as much as I had throught but I really think that given what I have been through it easily could have gone backwards.  As I stated my goal was around 7:15 I was clearly expecting it to have gone backwards.  So I have to look at it as 7 seconds is progress in the right direction.

So this leads to the decision of my racing this weeknd or not (It will be my first race in almost a year).  I have decided baring nothing goes wrong in the next couple of days that I will go ahead and race it.  My dad and I probably have different goals in mind, we haven't talked about it yet.  I am thinking getting to the starting line is the first goal in and of itself.  So that will be the first goal to reach, going to a race and starting it.  Next to have a time goal to shoot for I am going to go with something realistic that won't be too pressure packed.  I think I am going to set my time goal at breaking 24 minutes.  I am sure my dad will have a faster time in mind but that's a different story to deal with. 

So I guess we shall see how things go this weekend!?!  Good luck to anyone else racing!!!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Realizing No One Cares and Life

Wow it's been a hard time realizing that no one really cares about you besides your parents. I am trying to make a comeback with my running and to do that I need to first get to the starting line which means the first race back will be a 5k. This is huge for me. Getting to the starting line is going to take a huge effort, when you know you aren't in your best shape but have to start somewhere.

My life is all over the place lately. My training isn't consistent or hard/fast. My depression runs my life lately and most the time doesn't even allow me to go outside and run. Some days I try to force myself to go run when the depression is bad and I get about 10 feet down the road and break down crying and quit. This is the reason I have not ran a race is almost a year. Because I have lost all confidence is my running. When I start to get some confidence in my running(not that I am running fast, but that I am stringing a few days of training in) a bad day comes, which leads to a few more and then a streak of days off. So any confidence I had gets shattered again. This is the cycle I keep going through. And this is why I can't get myself is shape to run either ultras or to run fast. With my training or not-so-much training I can't get in shape to run fast and I can't get my endurance up to run far.

So I am just stuck in the same spot. So this is why I want to try to race this weekend. (I tried to race a few weekends ago but life got in the way again). I am very scared to race again because I know it won't be fast which could lead to some disappointment and possibly more setbacks. But I need to get in shape and racing has always been my way to get myself in shape. With life going so far down the wrong track I want to feel that super running high I get when I run fast. And this is the way that can lead to it.

So will I actually race or not? It's yet to be decided.

Saturday, April 14, 2012


If you take responsibility for yourself you will develop a hunger to accomplish your dreams. ~ Les Brown

Will possibly write more on this later.....