Saturday, December 26, 2009

lovED or hatED?

I don't know call it a poem call it a short story, but it's my life and what I go through everyday. Get something to drink and sit somewhere comfy it's LONG!

I love you and I hate you
I can't make up my mind.
You have been around with me for a very long time.
You make me do and say things I would never do.
You've ruined the best of friendships that I ever knew.
But the one thing you do for me that no one else can do
is always be there for me no matter what I am going through.
You are my best friend and my worst enemy
and always know just what to say,
and you motivate me to have another "bad" day.
Or maybe it's called a "good" one
of this I'm still not sure.
I don't want you but I need you.
Or is it I want you but don't need you?
Will I ever be sure?
You've hurt me but you've helped me along life's bumpy way.
I don't yet understand how my life went astray.
I sit here in my room listening to everything you say.
Sometimes I really wish you would go away;
but other times I cry to you to help numb away the pain.
Nothing else I do can take away the pain.
You are there when I call to you an even when I don't
Sometimes I think I've shook you, but you always manage to catch up.
Whispering in my ears things I shouldn't hear.
But yet I fall for it over an over again.
Sometimes I get up the courage to leave you behind,
then life becomes difficult and you get me out of my bind.
People tell me you lie to me, but with my eyes I can see, and I tend to disagree.
You are the only one I trust to tell me the truth, of what my weight should really be.
I don't know why I listen because I never measure up.
It seems I just can't get it right, an that I'm never good enough.
But you tell me if I keep pushing every single day, I'll get it just right one day.
You promise me of great happiness, of this I've yet to see.
And you tell me you have big plans for me.
But it seems every dream I have just keeps falling apart.
I hope one day I see the paradise that you tell me is in store.
And not the black storm clouds that are always at my door.
You guarantee me of a future full of bliss and tell me it's something I don't want to miss.
But all I have felt is simply depressed.
You tell me everyone will like the brand new me, but instead most people hate the person I've become.
They tell me I'm too negative and can't stand to be my friend.
They wish I could see the good things I should be thankful for.
But all I see is darkness and everything that is wrong.
You've robbed me of my dreams and what the future has in store.
Instead of looking forward to my future, all I can think of is the torture that's in store.
That's when you promise through all of my pain there will be great gains.
You tell me I'll be beautiful, but right now I just hate the reflection.
You cloudy up my mind and make me fall behind.
I don't see things for what they really are, my eyes see everything distorted from up close or afar.
What's to be of my future? I'm not so sure.
People say if I stay with you that my future will be non existent.
But if I choose to leave you my world seems so unsure.
Right now my life is lived second by second, never looking ahead for what's in store.
For right now since you're with me I hope what you promise is true.
So many promises have been broken leaving my heart torn in two.
I wouldn't know what to do without you. You tell me you love me and want the best for me.
But how do you know what that is? It's still unclear to me.
Oh how I wish I knew just what to do.
Are you the best thing to happen to me or a nightmare that will forever haunt me?
I hope one day I can sort this all out and do whatever is best for me and live with my decision happily.
Will you make me happy or bring others tragedy? Can I live with you forever or one day will I die?
This is a secret you haven't shared with me, but others are worried for me.
Do they have a reason to be or are they just plain nuts?
Because you really care about me and would never think of hurting me.
You and me are closer then close. So I have a wall up whee nobody can go.
I keep them in the dark, so they can't ee the horror that you bring me.
But you also bring me peace and a gentle calmness in my world of chaos and complete utter mess.
You're as big and scary as a monster, but invisible and nothing to the rest.
They don't understand the relationship we have and all of the things you have put me through.
I have stood up to your test time and time again. But is that admitting defeat or clamming victory.
You look at it one way and others disagree. So I'm left to figure it out for myself.
This is where there is a problem because everyone tends to walk away.
Leaving you and me to sort it out together. Because of this you always claim victory.
And when others realize later they declare defeat.
It comes down to who is there to support me and guide me on my way.
And we know who that is because YOU 've given up. YOU no longer care to help me.
So inside I feel destroyed and he is waiting there to comfort me from the pain you've caused inside.
Instead of focusing on the emotion we focus on the outside and everything we can change.
You help me to mask the pain but I'm still hurting on the inside.
You tell me to stay focused on your goal and don't worry about the inside.
And things will come together as they always do. You give me your hand and lead me on the way.
And I'm happy to follow if you'll ease the pain and help me to forget all of the bad things.
This is what keeps me coming to you.
They tell me you are bad for me and I'm jeopardizing my health. But this can't be,
because of how long you've been with me. If that was true something would have happened by now.
But it's true you do cause death. It's happened before but you promise it won't to me.
You are the truest friend I have ever known but you teach me some things I shouldn't know.
You also make me feel that I'm not good enough, but if I follow you, I'll be on top.
On top of the world is how you promise I'll feel, if I stick to the plan and follow your rules.
The guidelines you have set are impossible to meet. But you promise the impossible will become possible to me.
If I just keep practicing and following your ways. So I keep striving to please you every single day.
Everything I do is based on perfection. If I mess up I've failed for the day.
It brings me down and makes me sad. But it doesn't stop me from trying the next day.
Always giving it my all to a goal unattainable.
It's like a roller coaster, it goes up and comes down sometimes it even spins around there's sharp curves ahead even loop-de-loops.
You've think it's come to an end and then it just restarts. Sometimes it goes fast and other times really slow. There's a way to get on and a way to get off.
You have to be strong enough to choose the best path for you. This is when you need others around.
But if you live my life, there is no one to be found. So I always settle for what is comfortable.
Choosing the path of destruction, I've been down so many times before.
It might be the wrong one but I know I'll always have company, encouraging me to be the 'best' me.
The other path is unknown and foreign to me and I'd have to walk it alone with no one supporting me. It would be unknown and new and I choose to be comfy. Because it's all I've ever known as far back as I can remember.
You're my oldest friend I know even though you could be my worst enemy.
Sometimes you pick me up and sometime you put me down.
We have a special bond, I like math and you like counting. So my life is ruled by numbers.
Calories in and calories out, scale goes up and scale goes down. Numbers are what makes my world go round.
Happy, sad, good or bad, It all is simply based on a number.
Will I ever get a break of these mental games you play? The ups and down and high and lows.
The mixed emotions that no one knows. I hide them inside my heart, where no one can see how much I'm hurt.
But the truth is it's jut too complicated, YOU wouldn't understand the feeling I feel unless he lives inside of YOU too.
Sometimes I think it's a demon or the devil that lives inside of my messed up head.
I wish I could explain all I go through on a daily basis. But it's not possible to understand unless YOU've walked in these shoes. And I hope that never happens to YOU.
It's like an addiction that never goes away. It never leaves me alone. But that gives me some comfort and hope that I have someone who understands.
He might not be a good influence, but I can always count on him to be there for me.
He knows what he's doing and how to play the game. He's got control of my mind and brain and makes me feel completely drained.
But without him I'd be lost everyday, he's the one constant I have in my life. Because I've learned hard friends come and go. A few hang around when you're doing good, but no one wants to go through the dark with you.
So you are left alone to your own devices. That's when he swoops in and butters you up.
He promises of a grand tomorrow where you will not know sorrow.
Some people says it's lies he promises. But he'll use his charm to get to you.
And you'll believe everything and hang on to every word he has to say.
This is how you get reeled in to his ways. You turn to him like you always do. Nobody else was there what could you do?
You give your trust over to him, when he reaches out and lends you his hand and guides you on you way.
He treats you like a best friend, until he can't have his way. That's when it's a whole another story. This is when the evil comes out and takes away any glory.
He becomes mean and repulsive and makes you take the blame.
You aren't allowed to go out with friends or family. He wants you all to himself and no one is allowed in.
You do as he asks and put up the wall. To block everyone out and be alone with him.
He's taken over your life and you have no other friends. Everyday you are devoted strictly to him.
Doing as he wishes just the right way. Giving up hope and giving in to him. Doing everything you can to please him. Wanting to do it right and get it just perfect. Pushing away anyone who stands in your way. Until the only one left to count on is him. He has sucked you into his game. It's now you and him alone. With his strict set of rules that you must follow and abide by to reach the goal of perfection. If you don't measure up and follow in his ways he'll call you fat and stupid until you completely give in.
You wish you could get better and get rid of him. But he's always there calling and you just can't seem to win.
You want to be free of the rules and head games. You wish and hope it would just all go away.
You pray for a better life then this. You hope one day you will know what it's like to feel bliss.
You've tried hard to kick him to the curb but he's got a grip on you that you can't shake loose.
Sometimes you are able to act like he's not there but then something happens the next day.
You've tried really hard to do it on your own. you even went to treatment and weren't able to get better.
So maybe it's hopeless and you're right to give in. Maybe it's not possible to get rid of him.
Maybe he'll be there for the rest of your life. Haunting you every morning, day and night.
But then you start thinking maybe it's not that bad because he's always there for you no matter what you're going through.
You think maybe there's a bright side to this thing. You know of all the promises of great things.
So you hang on to hope this could actually be a good thing.
You pray with all your heart that God will help lead the way. And help you sort out the right from the wrong.
And that He will bless you every single day, no matter what path you're traveling on.
You are torn on who to listen to. him or Him which calling is stronger.
You are fighting him with all your might but the voices are stronger then your own
They keep telling you of good things that could come if you just follow his way.
So thinking and hoping you can feel better you decide to listen to the 'devil'
You dream and imagine of the body you can have. And hope that you can stay very disciplined.
And do just as he says thinking of all the joy and happiness that he promises will come if you can just get a few sizes smaller.
So you give it all your might and try harder and harder every night.
Striving for perfection in everything you do. You hope you won't fail him because that is when you feel blue.
You do your best to stick to every rule. Hoping to find the happiness you desire. Not understanding that happiness comes from within. You pray and hope that you will become really thin.
Everyday he pushes you further and further. You must keep up or you're not good enough.
Each day becomes harder and harder. Emotionally, physically and mentally you become drained.
But you still make sure to exercise everyday.
You've become numb and void but still listen to him; for you're still able to think of the good things he said would come.
So even though you're zapped of all your energy you muster up some strength to continue to play his game.
He always wins and you always lose but you continue to hope one day you'll rule.
But the truth is in his game you can never rule because he sets up all the rules.
He is the one holding all the power. And in reality you're sinking lower and lower.
You're fading away in body and brain. Your thinking is not right.
You look in the mirror with bones sticking out but that still isn't enough. You keep hoping you will get smaller and smaller.
But will it ever be enough because even though there are bones all you can see is the fat.
You cry your eyes out and pray it will go away. You hope tomorrow will be a better day.
But will you ever have one when you are never good enough. Does this so called perfect world exist.
Is there and end to this that brings happiness? Or were your friends telling you the truth.
When telling you he was just lying to you.
But he made you feel special and seemed to really care.
So is it some imaginary con or true love? You have yet to feel the things he promises.
And you are unsure of what to think about that.
Once again you are torn in two. Will you let him continue to control you? or will you walk away and say screw you?
Can you walk away or are you too deep in the game?
What kind of ending do you want to see?
One where you lived your life in vain? or (vein, whichever)
Where you did everything to please someone who doesn't really exist; he's just a person living inside you head. His so called goal of perfection, is something in reality you can never attain. It's something that can kill you any day.
Or do you want one where you have to battle everyday.
Always fighting to live life your way. Where you are the one who sets the rules that you can really measure up to. And there is no demon inside your head. You are free to feel any emotion that comes. You are able to deal with the bad and know what it's like to be glad.
But this is a big decision in which you have to choose...
Which life do you want for you?

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Festivus Fat@$$ 50k

-So I will start out by saying I won overall in a time of 3:56:59.
-So since before Worlds I have been having pain in my left leg. In my hip, butt, knee, quad, hamstring and shin. So almost my whole left leg. I had pain in my left butt, hip, knee, hamstring and that lower bone on your back before I left for Idaho. Then when in Idaho the pain went away until a few days before I left for Worlds but I didn't say anything because I wanted to run. So I have been dealing with this pain since back in September but it went away for a few weeks then returned late October and has been back ever since in more spots. But I have just been pushing through and dealing with it, mainly because I haven't really done much hard since Worlds. I did that half marathon in 1:27 a few weeks ago, but as far as training goes I haven't done much hard. So the pain hadn't gotten intense as it was before Idaho when I was trying to do quick paced workouts on it and would be in so much pain my leg would lock and I was slowed down to probably 13 minute pace. I hadn't experienced that kind of pain for a few months. So I thought I was ok.
-So when my team decided not to use me for Club Nationals (don't ask) Dad found a 50k about 2 weeks out and decided why not go for it.

-So race morning comes, Dec 12th 8:30, and here we are in Columbus with my Uncle who is going to ride the bike with me and my Dad who has all the course mapped out so he could see me as many times as possible. Well we get our pre-race briefing and he tells us about the turn around spot and some other locations on the course. Thank goodness for Uncle Tom with the directions and him having, in his previous hay days running parts of the course (I would never have been able to follow it without him)(Heck we still didn't follow the whole thing somehow, and had to use the GPS to get the last few tenths in to get 31.1 miles(50k)). (But we did get it all in I promise!)( I wouldn't cheat myself like that, I'm one that would rather run 31.5 miles and call it 31.1 then run 30.8 and call it 31)

-Well anyways back to the race we started out and I knew one guy coming was hoping to go at least 4:00 if not 3:45. And I knew 2 good female runners that were coming 1 planning to do 26.2 miles and the other 20 miles. But no one started out when he told us we could go so I just had to look stupid and take off. It felt like a good pace and was right on pace with my National performance for the first few miles (6:48 first mile not out of control). At mile 7 I remember I was 49:10 so just over 7:01 pace and felt ok not struggling or laboring or tired just feeling the nagging pain in my left leg. But kept going. (Oh yea I should say Dad got out to see us on the course maybe 10 times, he ROCKS, but not so much at picture taking but I LOVE him anyways). Then I remember we slowed down a bit and I hit the half marathon in 1:34 plus. And somewhere between miles 12-14 I asked my Uncle to cut my leg off. I was in extreme pain but was pushing through it. Then I remember around 18 things just started to fall apart it was severe pain and by mile 20 my leg was locked in on a pace in the 8plus min/mile range and I couldn't get out of it. Even going down hill I couldn't. My Uncle was tying to get me to throw spurts in to try to unlock it but the pace didn't change. This continued until at least 25-26 miles. Then I was able to change my form or do something different because I was able to pick it back up into the 7 plus minute range for awhile. At the marathon I was around 3:19 so I knew if I didn't do something I wasn't going to get my "D goal" of at least breaking 4 hours. So I had to. At this point the pain was so bad and I had already totaled 7 extra strength pain reliever since before the race started. With around 3 miles to go of the course my Dad tells me the next guy was back about 3-4 minutes. So at this point I knew I was in trouble because I still had extra to add on from where me and my Uncle got lost. So I got to the start (it was an out-and-back course) and we had to do these little loops and I noticed the guy coming in hard but we managed to get to 31.1 miles on the gps before he finished.
-I really enjoyed this event and wish I would have had time to train for it to try to run it as more then just a fast training run. I hopefully can fit this on my calendar again to race in the future. I enjoyed myself, I only wish there was a way they could have marked the course we got lost a couple of times and took and extra set of stairs we didn't have to take, because you could have gone down underneath like we did on the way back in. We also went across the wrong bridge part way and one time on one of the sets of stairs I had to stop and wait for my Uncle because I wasn't sure where to go another time we came to an intersection and had to stop right at the split and figure out which way to go. So if there was some way it could be marked that would make it an A+ fat@$$ event. My Uncle thought he was going to hate it because it was so cold. I believe 17 degrees when we started with a 9 degree windchill. But he ended up enjoying himself and actually warmed up on the way back in. This is the first time he has got to see me in an ultra event. All in all (slow time, pain and all) it was still a fun event!