Sunday, April 20, 2014

5k Comeback Devastation

So I decided I wanted to comeback to racing.  So the date and place were picked.  Saturday, April 19 in Athens, Ohio. A very small race on Easter weekend.

I'll start on the positive note- My mom was the 1st overall walker in the 5k in a time of 43 mins.

Now for the not-so-good news- my race.  I went in with the goal of running in the 24s.  My training was just coming together and I had only done one workout in almost 2 years.  I knew 24 would be hard to run, but honestly thought I could do it up until the night before the race.  (I ran this race in 2011 and was 21:16, 1st female, 3rd overall)

The race went off and I knew when I looked down at my watch 6 mins in and couldn't see the mile mark that I was in trouble.  I hit the first mile in approx 7:49.  Then I hit the turn around in approx 12:45 at this point I was still the leading female and there were 3 males ahead of me.  But soon after this a women passed me, I kept going because the website said 1st and 2nd get awards. I knew I wasn't going to run the time I wanted but since I was in second I kept going. (Had I known that they were only going to give an award to the winner I would have dropped out and helped mom to a faster time.)  I don't even remember the 2 mile split but really at this point who cared. The three mile was marked but I was already looking at the finish line and didn't pay attention to the split.  My finish time was 25:42 and I was the 2nd female and 5th overall.

I had no clue I could race this slow.  If I knew it was going to be this slow I would have never raced in the first place.  I am not sure where to go from here.  Running is fun to me when I can race fast.  Now I question if I will ever be able to go fast again.  And if I can't go fast again then I wonder should I just completely stop running period.  I am devastated and heart broken by this race.  I have no clue what my future holds for me. Saturday-Monday I am dog sitting, alone, and can't get out to run.  So I have some time to think things over.  I feel like this is one of the biggest disappointment of a race I have ever had, along with my first 50 miler attempt.  I feel like a failure after this race.

For people that don't understand depression, a race like this really hurts, because running fast is when I am happy.  On an everyday basis running doesn't make me happy but if I am able to get out of the house and do it, it is the the only time of day the horrible thoughts are not controlling me. And although running doesn't make me happy (unless racing fast), when I miss a day of running the depression is a lot worse.  I still want to continue running if I can run fast again, but that is what I don't know...  I don't know if I will ever run fast again.

Might add more later when feeling up to it.....

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