Wednesday, September 19, 2012

My Hope

I am struggling
But by looking at me you would never know it
As the hours go by it just gets pushed deeper inside
And I have to hold back the tears and emotions

All the negativity running through me
Will just never let me be free
And live the life that I have dreamed of

But there is one thing each day
That is my saving grace
And I can get in only one way
By simply going outside and running

Running does something to me
That you wouldn't believe
Without seeing it for yourself in person

When I am running it's like new life is breathed in me
And I become a whole new person

The negativity gets pushed away
And this new confidence emerges
This confidence that normally doesn't exist
Gives me the feeling of pure bliss

I can't adequately describe
The way it changes my life
But by saying it gives me this belief in me
That doesn't exist while not running

There is also this inner peace it brings to me
That everyone can see

It is also what gives me hope for the future
That the feeling I get could possibly exist
Outside my world of running

But for now I will just have to hold on to the hope to get me through each day
Because right now every second I breathe without running is a struggle
That most humans can't understand
So that is why I share my struggle with no one.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Theta Phi-ve K, 2012

On Saturday (9/15/12) me and my mom decided to make the around 2 hour drive to the University of Dayton to run a 5k race.  The fact that I went is a big thing.  I have been struggling really bad with my depression and my thought were horrible Friday so I didn't know if I was going to even be able to get out of bed Saturday from the depression, not even thinking about a morning anxiety attack that could have happened.  But luckily Saturday when I woke up I was feeling a little better and really wanted to go race.  (Racing gives me this high.  When I run I have a confidence that I don't have in any other part of my life.  It is the only time I can find peace from my horrible thoughts, besides sleeping.)  So racing is something that I absolutely LOVE to do, so I was glad my depression did not stop me this time.

So of course like always the directions get us lost at the finish.  We stopped to ask about it and the gas station on campus didn't know how to get there.  This one lady did but wouldn't help us.  So we were back to driving around lost we asked a guy on campus and that didn't help either.  By luck we found it, but were late.  I always have to get to a race an hour before hand and it was 9:15 and the race was suppose to start at 10.  But I was able to keep calm and not let it get to me and just tell myself "that you have 15 minutes before you start your warm up so you are ok."  (This is something I am working on with myself, trying to calm myself down so I don't go into full panic or get majorly upset that something goes wrong.)

So I was able to stay on schedule after being late and went out to get my 10 minute warm up at 9:30.  I got back and got everything together and ready for the race.  Did my pickups in the park lot (so no one could see, like always)  We went over to where the race was to start with less then 10 minutes for the race to start.  When the guy that was helping with the race called us to the starting line at 10 am, mom left so she could get some pictures.  However, there was still a huge line at the registration table, (remember it was on a college campus).  The race didn't get started until almost 10-15 minutes late.  So the whole time we were by the starting line, I was sizing people up (like always).  I had spotted a few that I thought might give me a good run.  I saw that there were a few guys that definitely had the potential to beat me so I knew I didn't have to worry about leading the race.  However, since I was one of the only girls to line up near the front there were 2 guys in the air force or army that were eyeing me and you could tell were not going to let me beat them at all.

So the race gets started late and as we take off it's me and about 5 guys up front and then the 2 army guys push there way up front too.  So there is about 8 of us up front running.  When the course turns right into the campus... like up on the sidewalk.  So as we are running about it was about 2:11 into the race when I passed one of the army guys and as soon as I passed him, he yelled up to his friend, "You go on I have a cramp."  (Perfect timing)  Then I went passed the other guy too. (Story of them not over yet).  Before I picked the race Dad had told me Dayton doesn't have a hill there.  Well Dad you LIED, like you did in high school for my first meet.  LOL... This was a pretty hilly course.  But more then the hills were the turns about 60 at least and some turn arounds.  As we are going we are approaching were the mile mark was placed on the map. (It was at a turn around in the parking lot so it was easy to remember)  Well the sorority girls were yelling all excited 1st mile in 5:05 and they were going nuts about it.  I knew they were way off and I kinda wanted to say does it look like I am running a 15 min 5k and does it look like those guys ahead of me are running a 13 min 5k, but I held my tongue. Oh and something that I always do I didn't do because of what I was thinking.  At the turnaround I always gauge where my competition is and I forgot to look and I realized it but didn't want to look backwards so just had to keep going not knowing where 2nd place female was. And at one point I just happened to look at the ground right where there was a 1 in chalk and looked at my watch and it was 6:05, (which is a season best since I have been afraid to time a mile).  As the race went on I found myself in a gap not to the surprise of anyone.  So the whole course ends up being on the sidewalk all around the campus.  Mom got to see me once in the middle of the race so that was cool to get to see my mom in the middle and not just the start and finish.  I wasn't able to see anymore mile marks on the course because I was forced to continuously look up to see where the course was going.  (Which was hard to do and I kept losing people around corners because I always stare at the ground ahead of me while running)  The next thing I remember was looking up and seeing a guy in a yellow shirt coming back to me.  I was kinda shocked at this.  We got together and ran for awhile and at one point neither of us were sure which way the course went.  He started pointing and I was like "I am not sure" and he said "I think it's this way.  (He was right).  So we ran together until near the very end.  When we turned into the parking lot I looked ahead and saw where the end of the parking lot was and I looked down at my watch, it said 19:12 and I was like, "I got this."  Then I caught up to the guy in yellow and looked at my watch and said, "19:30, Let's go, we got this".  This was perhaps one of the only time in my life that I have been too positive, because the course continued off the parking lot and onto the wood chip path.  Talk about heartbreak when I got to the end of the parking lot and saw it went off.  I definitely lost some time from the let down. 

OH WAIT I almost forgot about the army guy.  As me and the guy were coming up the parking lot, out of nowhere sprinting as hard as he could comes one of the army guys.  He gets passed me then stops and goes backwards.  Which makes no sense had he finished he would have been 4th and got an award..... I don't get what the whole point of showing me he can beat me in a sprint was??

BUT DO NOT GET ME WRONG.  I am thrilled with my race.  I ran my season best, 20:07.82, so by 11 seconds.  So I am very happy with my race.  Now I am only 1:48 off my personal best.

I won the female race by about 1:30.  The male winner ran a 18:43, which shocked me because I didn't realize he was that close because all the turns and only 4 guys beat me.  The awards went to the top 5 overall.  The awards were crappy. BOO.  I love getting something as simple as a ribbon, since I didn't get a shirt.  And the awards weren't really fair either.  The male winner got $15 to a pizza place and I got the same choice as everyone else:  a free sub at a place I have never heard of, a $5 card for a sushi place which I have never heard of and wouldn't eat anyways, or a $5 card to a movie place down there.  (Remember it took us over 2 hours to get there.)  So I ended up taking the free sub because they said it was some sort of chain... Jimmy John's????  but then as we were leaving mom was like why don't we give it to someone because it will just go to waste at home.  So I decided to give it to the guy that finished with me because he was nice.  I have ran into quite a few people that get mad that I can run with them and are mean and rude and this guys was nice about it.  (sure inside I bet he definitely wanted to beat me being a girl and all, but he didn't take that feeling out on me in his attitude or behavior)  So I felt that he deserved it for being a nice guy.  (He was fourth overall too)

So out of the race I would say it went pretty well.  I got a season best in the mile and in the 5k.  I ended up the winning female and only 4 guys beat me.  I ran 20:07 which is about 6:29 per mile.  This was 11 seconds better then the fastest I have ran this season and I don't know if there is a course in the world flatter then that one.  This one was way harder so definitely a lot better effort.