Wow it's been a hard time realizing that no one really cares about you besides your parents. I am trying to make a comeback with my running and to do that I need to first get to the starting line which means the first race back will be a 5k. This is huge for me. Getting to the starting line is going to take a huge effort, when you know you aren't in your best shape but have to start somewhere.
My life is all over the place lately. My training isn't consistent or hard/fast. My depression runs my life lately and most the time doesn't even allow me to go outside and run. Some days I try to force myself to go run when the depression is bad and I get about 10 feet down the road and break down crying and quit. This is the reason I have not ran a race is almost a year. Because I have lost all confidence is my running. When I start to get some confidence in my running(not that I am running fast, but that I am stringing a few days of training in) a bad day comes, which leads to a few more and then a streak of days off. So any confidence I had gets shattered again. This is the cycle I keep going through. And this is why I can't get myself is shape to run either ultras or to run fast. With my training or not-so-much training I can't get in shape to run fast and I can't get my endurance up to run far.
So I am just stuck in the same spot. So this is why I want to try to race this weekend. (I tried to race a few weekends ago but life got in the way again). I am very scared to race again because I know it won't be fast which could lead to some disappointment and possibly more setbacks. But I need to get in shape and racing has always been my way to get myself in shape. With life going so far down the wrong track I want to feel that super running high I get when I run fast. And this is the way that can lead to it.
So will I actually race or not? It's yet to be decided.